The Misadventures of Mr Cranberry
by The Real Chys Lattes
Summary: Mr. Cranberry is the pet red tarantula spider of Shino Aburame's little sister Chiyako, an OC owned by Silver Queen from her fic 'Dreaming of Sunshine'. This is a recursive fanfiction that started as an idea on the DOS story's forums. It follows the spider after chapter 104 of DoS.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Kishimoto while Shikako Nara (Shikamaru's twin sister), Chiyako Aburame (Shino's little sister) and Mr. Cranberry (Chiyako's pet red tarantula spider) belong to Silver Queen from her 'Dreaming of Sunshine' SI OC fic. I just borrowed them for a bit in this recursive fic that started on the forums. This fic takes place after around chapter 103-104 of DoS.

 **10/30 NOTE TO THE ANON:** _This story is listed under_ _**Silver Queen's Heliocentrism** forum and story list, and as she was the first person to review it... yes, she knows about it. It started on the forums for DOS, and I'm not the only one that wrote on this topic so if you like it there's other ficlet versions there. You can't post stories on the forum though, and it was too big for that. I do recall reading that she said if you write something in her universe and you let her know then she adds it to the list. The list of other fics with Silver Queen's characters can be found there. She has a link in her profile usually. If you like reading little fic snippets, check out the Recursive forum. There's also a lot of them under the Crossover Plotting section.  
_

The Misadventures of Mr. Cranberry:

1)

Mr. Cranberry didn't get an invite.

He never gets invited to anything.

(Hiss...)

Suffice to say, even his family are a bit offended at his presence at times, if he eats one of their bugs without permission. (They have names. He has come to realize they notice them missing.)

He's a sad little spider, sometimes, like when the girls at the school are mean to him and his Master... but at least his Master is kind to him and gives him many birds to munch on.

Then he's happy.

She comes home happy now, after going to this group. (Which he didn't get invited to. HIssSSss...)

Sometimes he goes to the group with her, though he didn't get an invite.

...No one noticed he tagged along this last time. She didn't notice. She and her hive are so used to his presence, and are so interested in new things, they didn't pay attention.

What happened next, well, it was an accident!

He ended up in someone else's bag, when he hurried to get home as the girls were leaving. He'd been crawling around without anyone even noticing, hiding under chairs, tables, pillows, (Careful now, those are feet, FEET! **MOVE**! Whew!) safety. Soon.

(Skitter... skitter...)

He didn't intend to go home with her, he really didn't.

(Wriggle.)

Maybe no one would notice, if he hid in her pink hair like an ornament?

Hm. _Maybe_.

...no...

No, the girl's mother is screaming and reaching for a broom.

 _Better run..._

(Skitter!)

(HISS)

 _(Home...?)_

m(o,,o)m


	2. Chapter 2

The Misadventures of Mr. Cranberry

2)

He's on the street. He is lost. This was _not_ part of the plan.

Mr. Cranberry doesn't know what to do.

(Hiss hiss _hiiiiisss_!)

"Woof!?"

(Hiss?)

"Woof _woof_!"

(Happy hiss!)

Mr. Cranberry hops onto Akamaru's head, and gets a ride. Shino finds him on his team mate's head, riding along, legs trembling with suppressed joy at finding an ally.

"Woof."

"How did you? No. Never mind. Why? Because I already can assume to know the answer."

Shino takes Mr. Cranberry home.

(...Master never noticed he left the house...)

 _Mission: infiltrate the study group_ complete.

Conclusion? Master is happy, so Mr. Cranberry is happy.

Who says a spider can't be a ninja?

(Hiss!)

Well... maybe.

m(-,,-)m


	3. Chapter 3

**Ttran2323** came up with the _Testing Initiative_ of storage scrolls on the forums, so I factored that into the timeline here just for fun. :D

The Misadventures of Mr. Cranberry

3)

Before Master was invited to the best-study-group-ever-that-made-Master-happy, Mr. Cranberry had a plan to make Master happy himself. But it didn't have the expected result. Why? Well... Mr. Cranberry doesn't have a good track record when it comes to self appointed missions.

Previous plans did not pan out well. They sometimes even ended with Master crying, and Mr. Cranberry feeling quite squished. (Owch!) Usually that was a third party's fault. (But the nice Shikako took them home and Mr. Cranberry got healed! Happy hiss.)

But this one, this one was a better plan. _"Operation: Skitter, dodge, run, and_ _ **bite**_ _!"_ didn't work. That was unfortunate. That plan never made it to the ' _bite_ ' portion, which was essential for mission success!

This new plan was more complicated. But not deterred, Mr. Cranberry knew how to see it through! This plan would ensure Master's continued happiness, and that it would not be interrupted!

It wasn't the best plan. Spiders, especially prospective ninja ones, are simple minded creatures. (Fight, food, safety, comfort, master... Hiss.) But for what the not so very little red spider wanted, it would suffice. The rules needed to change. If the rules changed, maybe Master would be happy, always? There was one human capable of changing them. That human would have to do.

Skittering on his many fluffy legs across the floor as the class started session, no one noticed Mr. Cranberry made a break for it. The students, and his Master, were doing practical exams this week. They were practicing with Kawarimi. Master was preoccupied. Busy Master means Mr. Cranberry is free to roam the room! The room... had a door. Doors were either open, or closed. This one was closed. No one was worried that Mr. Cranberry would leave. Silly humans. Mr. Cranberry could feel the breeze from under the door, and every time the air was displaced in the room, he could tell where every body was in it. The crack under the door was wide enough. He could make it through. The little hairs on his body told him so.

(Scrunch, press, slide, slide, sliiiidee... _success_!) Hurrying out from under the crack, Mr. Cranberry rushed down the hallway, following the scents on the floor. That one... he knew that one... Had to find that human. The one that could change things.

Classes happened in the Academy building- where the administration also worked. It suited his purposes. Less distance to travel. That one was here. Mr. Cranberry knew it. No getting lost!

Heading upstairs, and up the walls, and up and up and up, he finally found the room he needed. The big round one on top. Yes.

(Skitter. Tap. Tap. Tap. _Halt_.)

"Shizune, did you file that report?"

(Slow step, _halt_. Slow step, _pause_. Skitter skitter, LEG, **DODGE**! Hide...)

"Yes, Hokage-sama! Also, on another note, Research and Development sent a memo, something about requesting a petition entered at the next council meeting to change the method of transport of necessary items to boarder stations and outposts... but it's going to require a vote to be approved due to the financial situation between the departments. You'll have to bring it up at the next meeting, if you want to see it through. It will initially cost something to make the change, but the end result will be a drastic improvement in transport methods, as well as a money saving provision."

The blonde woman's chakra was agitated, Mr. Cranberry could tell. "Then why mention it now? We're going to go over the relevant discussion items before the meeting tomorrow."

"Well, you see. It has quite a bit of support so I wanted you to be aware that a lot of people have an investment in this. There were twelve memos, Hokage-sama. Each from different department representatives at R & D, also from several chunin at T & I, and even members of the Sensory Squad and the Barrier Corp. We got a message from the hospital as well, they want you to look at it and approve them for quick transport of items from the storage basements during times of crisis. They all seem to have an interest in this passing. I guess these storage scrolls have a broad range of uses, and if the financial approval goes through there will be multiple departments wanting to requisition them."

Tsunade waved her off, "Huh, well, leave it on my desk then. I'll check it later."

(Skitter. Sneak... there it is... _hisss_...)

The woman looked up from her desk, eyes sharp, "Did you just... _hiss_... at me?"

"No, Mam!" Shizune jumped at the accusation, nervously twitching with the papers in hand.

"Huh. I'm getting tired. Let's go out for a drink." Tsunade rubbed her eyes and got up from her desk.

"But-" her protests fell on deaf ears as the Hokage left the room, Shizune following closely behind after leaving a stack of papers on the desk.

The desk... there it was.

(Hissss.)

The one who can change things is gone? Fine. Then Mr. Cranberry will deal with it himself.

 _Target, Acquired._ Now time to _Move_.

A slow moving spectacle meandered down the hallways unimpeded, making its way back to one of the Academy classrooms. It bumped into the walls several times on its quest to retrace its many, many, many layered footsteps back to the Academy classroom where Master resided, the spider was moving hastily with his prize in tow.

Genma walked down the hallway, idly twirling a kunai in his left hand. He stopped in mid motion upon seeing the strange object heading down the hall inches from the floor, trailing a tail of important looking unraveling scrolls behind it, all on it's own. He let his upraised foot touch softly to the ground, closed his eyes and counted to five, then opened them.

Carefully, he pulled the ever present senbon from his mouth. He eyed it warily, wondering if he'd accidentally bit down on a poisoned one. Inspecting it closely, and smelling, tasting, seeing and feeling no poison, he shrugged and replaced the senbon in his mouth warily.

When he turned and looked back down the hall way to try to identify just What It Was He Had Seen Passing His Feet On The Floor, the spectacle had either rounded a corner, or vanished. The scrolls were still slowly unrolling on the floor, inches from his feet, having dislodged themselves from their abductor's pull. He decided he needed more sleep, and turned away from the mission's office, intent on heading back home to get a few more hours of shut-eye. He figured he probably needed it.

Mr. Cranberry could wait outside the room for class to end, and the door to open, then he could help Master! With this, Master could change the rules, and those mean girls would stop bugging Master! Even after she joined the study group, they still were mean to her, but for other reasons. Jealousy is ugly. Mr. Cranberry knew that. Sometimes the bird was jealous that Mr. Cranberry ate the worm. So Mr. Cranberry at the bird, too. Hm... sometimes jealousy was tasty, though!

The door opened, and children filed out, running down the halls toward freedom. Master was looking everywhere, trying to find Mr. Cranberry! Master is so good to Mr. Cranberry! Master will love this.

Mr. Cranberry ran to Master, and reared up on his hindmost legs to offer his prize to Master.

She took one look at Mr. Cranberry, then began to giggle. Her giggle turned into undignified chuckles, that no noble clan mistress should ever produce.

Mr. Cranberry didn't know what was so funny. This is a plan to help Master!

If the one who can change things is gone, Mr. Cranberry would make sure Master is the one who can change things. He had heard people say, many times through eavesdropping, that the one who has the power to change things in the village is the one wearing the Hokage's hat. So, Mr. Cranberry brought the Hokage's hat to Master! Now Master is in charge!

Brilliant plan!

"What in the...!"

"It wasn't me." Master said, through bouts of giggles.

"You know what, I believe you."

(WAIT! IRUKA-MASTER'S-SENSEI! BRING THAT BACK! MASTER NEEDS IT!)

Oh... hiss...

Foiled again.

(But Master is still happy.)

m(-,,-)m


	4. Chapter 4

The Misadventures of Mr. Cranberry 4

.

.

Shikako pondered if there was any need to change the seal array she was toying with. Something just looked off about it, but she couldn't put her finger on what. She could split it into two seals and have slightly different functions for each, and they could work in unison when placed together, but that might have been over complicating things. It was a minor seal that showed you, dependent upon which hand you were holding it in when channeling your chakra, the exact ratio of Yin to Yang chakra you were channeling through the chakra coils of that specific arm, alongside which type of chakra was channeled through those chakra coils most often. (Though it could have worked for any portion of the body it was placed on.) It wasn't an important one, just something she'd absentmindedly scribbled down earlier when she realized that there were no seals specifically like it that she knew of. She figured it might help some younger people with getting the right ratio of chakra to learn their specific clan's jutsus faster.

She had been reading over some of the materials she and Tenten had been working on together, while sipping on a coffee, when the idea for this one popped into her brain uninvited. Reaching for her drink while distractedly scribbling away at a note she was updating, her hand brushed against something...fuzzy.

Startled, she looked over, only to meet the many, many eyes of... one giant, red, fuzz covered tarantula. It wiggled it's little mandibles at her, and raised it's front (arms?) Legs? She wasn't sure. It seemed to be waving at her.

Eyes wide, she backed slowly away from the table _(it was not a cowardly retreat, uh, she was only being sensible...)_ only to have the spider, with his little front limbs still upraised, approach with rapid little steps, four little steps for every one big step she took backward, now walking all over the notes she was reading and horribly smearing the ink. He continued to wiggle his little fuzzy appendages, adding two more to the ones in the air already in what appeared to be a... greeting? Dance? A something.

For all Shikako knew, it was a gesture of non-aggression... or a declaration of war. Animals in this world tended to be quite intelligent. "Ohkay... Hello."

Having greeted the strange little beast, Shikako watched as the many little eyes seemed to stare right through her soul. It clapped its little limbs together.

Where was the spider's owner? Where was Shino? He was supposed to courageously rescue her from all things arachnid, right? Where was her stoic knight in dark glasses now? (Not that she Needed to be saved... it was just the idea. Well... and spiders. Yeah.)

She figured she knew who this spider belonged to, and didn't dare make a move to harm it. She rubbed her hand on her vest, getting the spider hairs off of her fingers. Tarantula hairs were prickly, and got all over everything. If you rub your eyes while having their hair on your hands, they could blind you, as the hairs are tiny and quite sharp, coarse and stiff. They actually made her hands itch.

Dropping his arms, the little red guy shuffled the way only an arachnid can and ended up crawling down the table's leg, and heading for... well, heading for Shikako's leg.

 _(Abort.)_

 _(No.)_

 _(Back away from the kunoichi.)_

"H-Hey, no. Back off. Go home. Shoo."

He paused, seemed to contemplate her, then wiggled some more, walking in circles on the floor before her.

 _(Hisss.)_

Ok, it was hissing at her. It had to go. There was only so much creepy crawly spider-ness she wanted to tolerate on any given day, and today was not a given day.

How had the spider even gotten here? She couldn't connect the dots. It should be at home with Chiyako. They hadn't even had a study group today. Wait, was today a school day?

He tapped the floor with little clicking noises in random patterns. She wasn't even sure how he was making them.

He waved his little feeler-things at her and seemed to puff up as if in annoyance. Was it really so far off to attribute a possible emotion to a potentially sentient but unable to speak creature? She really didn't know, and decided not to contemplate it further. She realized she did so for Akamaru, but then, that was Akamaru.

Alright. From here on out he was intelligent until proven otherwise. Actually, that's a good way to think of things. Even a random bird flying by could be a smart summoned creature, really.

Now she had to get Mr. Smarty-Spider back to his owner. Preferably without accidentally squishing him...

Heading into her kitchen, she grabbed a rather large glass bowl out of the kitchen cupboard and returned to the room where she'd last seen him, hoping he hadn't scurried off. Picking up the edge of the paper the tarantula had been standing on, she slid the spider into the bowl carefully. Settled at the bottom, it made motions like it wanted to climb out, but didn't seem to be able to get purchase.

' _Oh good.'_ It kept sliding back into the base of the bowl. This would do for now. She placed a plastic lid over it to keep it in temporarily.

Gathering up her notes and setting them together on the table in something resembling order, she picked up the spider's bowl and headed to the door. Changing her shoes, she listened as the arachnid hissed at her incessantly the entire time, tapping on the glass bowl.

Giving him a good glare for interrupting her morning, she grabbed the bowl and headed over to Shino's house. Chiyako answered the door, a puzzled look on her face. She looked at the bowl intently, then stared adoringly up at Shikako as her face lit up like it was a holiday.

"Is that? Is that? You brought one!" she smiled widely, then grabbed Shikako by the arm to bring her inside, "Shino-nii, Shino-nii! Look what Shikako-nee brought!"

Not understanding the girl's enthusiastic cries, Shikako changed into house slippers and followed her in, having been forcefully invited. She was still holding the bowl at arm's length away from her.

"Eh, hello." She said, as Shino rounded the corner, the collar of his usual coat stood tall around his face, hands buried in his coat pockets. He nodded at her in greeting. She lifted up the spider-bowl and held it up so he could see. "I was just bringing..."

"You got Mister Cranberry a GIRLFRIEND! I gotta go tell him!" The little girl jumped up and down, then ran upstairs rapidly, presumably to get Mr. Cranberry.

"..." Shino stared at her through his dark glasses. His unreadable face was dark and his posture stiff. One eyebrow twitched. The one look alone, though she couldn't see an inch of his face behind his collar, spoke volumes.

"I... uh. Thought I was returning her spider. I guess I thought wrong." At her admission, he gently took the bowl from her hands with a resigned sigh.

"Affirmative. As well as that, the arachnid has attempted a foiled escape several times previously, it happens often. Unfortunately, this is not her spider. Now you can look forward to many more of this species in the local area. Why? Because, she will inevitably breed them." This last bit was said almost scathingly, not toward Shikako, but in a very quiet yet strangely polite way. He adjusted his glasses, his nervous tick, one hand balancing the bowl carefully away from his coat. She could tell Shino was not looking forward to the damage control that breeding spiders that eat kikaichu could entail. "Hopefully she does so in a manner that doesn't end up... well, dangerous for Mister Cranberry. Why? Because the females of most arachnids tend to eat the males after copulation. Or kill them. I suppose we will have to educate her on that problem, if she has not researched it already. Clearly she can tell the difference between males and females at a glance. That is... impressive, I was not aware she had studied that."

"I... uh... sorry?"

Shino nodded with a 'hm.' He glanced at the staircase, as his little sister approached, spider in hand. The chakra of her hive was buzzing in excitement, probably because she was so happy. Little did the tiny insects know the danger she was walking them toward. This new spider wasn't trained not to eat them, yet. She looked as if her grin would split her face in half. "It is understandable that you did not know." Shino acquiesced.

"I'll just..." Shikako made a motion to leave, and leave the spider- bowl and all. Shino sighed once more then placed the bowl on a table in the hallway. Chiyako made a beeline for the bowl, and held Mr. Cranberry up to the side to inspect it. The two spiders instantly raised their front four arms and feeler-type limbs. They waved them about, almost the same way the spider had done on her table earlier. Then Chiyako set her pet down on the table to watch them interact.

The spiders began to move rhythmically, back and forth, almost like they were trying to circle each other through the curved glass. They tapped at the glass, their limbs almost touching each other's, as if playing patty-cake. A creep-tastic hissing noise was coming from both of them simultaneously. It actually made Shikako's skin crawl, and even Shino was visibly disturbed, pushing his glasses around without reason to and moving from foot to foot, and Shikako could tell from the buzzing that his kikaichu were very agitated. Chiyako hummed in appreciation, nodding her head at her pet.

"They're...dancing?" Shikako asked, a bit surprised by this behavior.

"Yep! They're saying 'hi' to each other! You're the greatest! Can I keep Miss Strawberry here?"

"Miss... Strawberry?" She raised a brow, not knowing where this came from at all.

The little girl nodded, "That's what Mister Cranberry wants to call her, Miss Strawberry!"

' _And how does she even know that...? But... but, that's adorable._ ' She'd already named the spider. There was no taking it back now, no backing out. _Chiyako was too cute._ If she wasn't holding the spider again, cooing at it, Shikako would have been tempted to grab Chiyako and give her a hug from the overload of cuteness.

"Oh. Okay. That's fine. You're in charge of Miss Strawberry now. Take good care of her." Shikako said with a smile.

"Oh, oh, we will!" Chiyako jumped up and down and cheered.

"Right. Shino-san, you guys can keep the bowl. Mom won't miss it. We've got like, three more of them at home, and she never uses them anyways."

"Ah, thank you," he bowed slightly. She found her shoes and made her way out, mentally face-palming at her mistake.

Why did she ever think that was Chiyako-chan's spider? Hm... probably because it looked just like it. And the thing had somehow found its way into Sakura's house one day, terrorizing the neighborhood. On another occasion the little spider had stolen the Hokage's hat right out of her office, with no one the wiser. (Yeah, rumor got around that the spider was a roaming terror. Surprisingly it was the jounin passing that rumor around. Tsunade may have tossed some random chunin out her window in an effort to get their butts in gear to find the hat. You know Tsunade is mad when random furniture and chunin fly by.) Shikako just assumed the spider would come to visit her, eventually, what with her luck and all. Why not have a spider stop in for tea?

She was halfway home when the realization struck: If you see one spider, there are a minimum of seven more nearby, just like it, that you didn't notice. That was a thought to induce shivers.

Concerned that they might have an infestation, Shikako rushed home to thoroughly check every room for evidence of spiders.

She was busy checking under Shikamaru's bed when he got home from team training, and realized his sister was rifling under his bed, shoving aside unused pairs of shoes he'd stored there, and glancing about haphazardly.

"Need something?" He asked, leaning against the door frame. He figured she probably just lost her hair brush again or something. She was always leaving it in his room lately.

"Just looking for invaders." She answered in a matter-of-fact voice, picking up one of his sandals and peering into it closely. "Nope, none here. We're safe."

' _Oh, no. She's gone off the deep end._ ' He gulped. "Sis, listen to me. You need a break. Take a few vacation days. I'll arrange it with Tsunade-sama...no, wait, I'll have Sensei do that. Best not to get too close to Hokage-sama after the whole window incident unless you bring her Sake. I'm not growing wings anytime soon."

"But, Shikamaru, I made a big mistake. Because of that, we have to keep our eyes peeled. _They're coming._ " She warned, looking up from her crouch by his bed and dropping the sandal unceremoniously. He stared at her wide eyed expression in concern. "We have to be ready. We need to safeguard our living space, but first we need a plan."

"A plan." _'Plans are good. But what is she getting at?'_

"To stop the invaders. There's going to be so many of them. I can't believe I did that! What compelled me to... I never would have brought her in if I'd have known... And there's no way the Aburame are going to allow them to stay, you know. _They're dangerous to them._ And since I found one here, that means that naturally they're all going to find their way in here. I just know it."

"Wait, you brought _who_ in?" Worst case scenarios were rapidly running through the boy's brain as he watched his sister bite her lip. Had she accidentally let in a spy or some enemy ninja? She wouldn't. That's just the sort of zaney thing Naruto would do. Surely not Shikako!

What was he thinking, strange things always happened to and because of Shikako. Enemies randomly have changes of heart and become friends on the turn of a _Ryo_. He once thought he wouldn't put it past one of them to fake it one of these days. Seems one of these days had finally arrived. He mentally checked that he had all his gear prepared for a fight, and realized he needed to restock his kunai soon.

"Miss Strawberry." At this nonsensical answer, Shikamaru slightly gaped at his sister, who waved it off like it was nothing.

"I don't follow. I actually don't follow what you're saying." He gave her an assessing glance as she got to her feet. She dusted herself off, muttering about how he needs to clean under his bed more often. She then went on to mutter about how they are 'probably burrowers,' whatever that means. Did that mean the invaders have a earth affinity? Would ninjas literally be popping out of the ground to attack?

"Ignorance is bliss." She said as she nodded, tugging his arm and pulling him along behind her at a rapid pace. "Now come on, we have to stock up on pest spray."

"Wait, what does that have to do with- _Ah_!?" Sometimes Shikamaru understood the world all too well; Other times, it made no damn sense... either way, he let his sister drag him along behind her. " _Troublesome_."

.

.

...

"Honey, where's my largest mixing bowl?"

"No idea, dear."

"Find it, please? I need it to make biscuits."

"Yes, dear. I bet Chouza knows where it is. He's at the bar right now. I'll... go ask him."

"Honey? Hey? Are you still there? _Damn it all_."

.

.

...

Mr. Cranberry liked this new development.

This Shikako was a good human. This Shikako was smart. She found Miss Strawberry and brought her to Mr. Cranberry.

Miss Strawberry has been studying the ninja arts as well! She can lift an entire shuriken with just her two little pedipalps!

( _Roar! HisssSSss!)_

Though she hasn't yet figured out what to do with it after that. She toddles back and forth until she drops it in front of her each time. _(Spiders, they don't think that far ahead.)_

Miss Strawberry also needs to work on planning. She's never completed a successful mission on her own. But she trains.

She wanted to learn to make a seal, so found a human making seals. But that human wasn't cooperative, and didn't appreciate her modifications to the seal she'd been working on. Oh well. Seals aren't for spiders.

Mr. Cranberry will help and teach her the ways of the spider-ninja!

Miss Strawberry will stay, according to Master!

 _(Happy hiss!)_

Good Human. The spider race has decided to keep her safe. Her and Master and Master's family.

Other humans... eh... the spider race will decide later.

m(+,,+)m m(*,,*)m


	5. Chapter 5

The Misadventures of Mr. Cranberry 5

 **Author's Note:** _I give up_ , this crack keeps spewing out when I try to write serious 'Dreaming of Death Note' business. I just had to finish what I started today because every time I post one of these Cranberry chapters the story still has to be complete just in case I don't get inspired for it anymore. (I'm guilty of that on _so many occasions._ ) So yeah, story is still complete as-is, yet here is a surprise chapter five! (Which I originally wanted to write for Halloween but well, inspiration is a fickle witch so we'll make do.)

And this is the Third unintentional thing I've written today, and this is one of my most productive days for writing, even though I didn't get anything I actually set out to write done today. Ok, I did write for Death Note this morning, too. But yeah, I got this, and ' _The Abduction of Soft_ _Paws_ ' written in one day, go me!

And this is how I spent my day off. XD

.

.

...

 _ **Many Spiders: Handle it!**_

The Aburame were on the offensive, but that didn't surprise anyone. No, the more surprising thing was their opponents identities.

Spiders. Spiders everywhere.

They seemed to have grown overnight, as if by magic.

Konoha-gakure was infested with red kneed tarantulas, fully grown red kneed tarantulas, as if they had been living and growing for many years already rather than the few hours they had existed... they had quickly infested Konoha at large, taking over territories and building nests. They were breeding more of them. They shed their molts in the streets, like scattered remnants of corpses on a battlefield, they rested as empty shells, testament to the great number of ever growing arachnids present. This could not go on.

Chaos, everywhere.

And no one knew quite how or why... well, no one except for a stoically quiet Aburame named Shino, and his little sister Chiyako, who was brimming with excitement because SPIDER BABIES EVERYWHERE! (Here we can insert squeals of delight from little Chiyako. It's not really necessary, but there you have it. This is right where they would go. *ahem*) Those two, whom no one bothered to confront about this particular issue in all of the chaos... Them, and Shikako Nara, of course.

Somehow, someone always finds reason to believe she's most likely involved. Unfortunately in this particular circumstance they'd be absolutely right. This would kinda indirectly or more directly be her fault. She did, after all, give little Chiyako-chan the other spider. (Thus they know where to lay the blame.)

Then the spiders reproduced. (And divide that blame up appropriately.)

Chakra enhanced ninja spiders. (Ok, who can take the fall for this one?)

The world didn't expect it, that was for certain.

The Aburame were not prepared. Baby spiders that have a taste for chakra eating insects? They took a hit before they realized they were being preyed upon.

It started at Shino's house.

In Shino's opinion, all good stories start at his house. It's a rather good opinion to have according to his family, and others should they know about it might think it a bit stuck-up, but it is still a personal opinion, and so is true to his nature. The best stories are the ones he participates in himself. Unfortunately, regardless of his participation, this one was not a good story.

Why? Because half of his clan's hives took a hit, overnight, when the hatched spiders decided to feast immediately. They had flooded from the house and spread to the neighbor's homes. Rather than eating each other, and dwindling their population to only the luckiest and strongest, more manageable handful that Shino expected them to do- instead, they went after the lush source of chakra very nearby them: the insects in the Aburame compound. The humans were not expecting it, even if Shino had given them warning days before. They didn't seem to take his soft spoken words to heart. Hardly anyone ever heard him, to their great misfortune.

Would they bother to listen now? He wondered.

Shikako had gone through the village, looking for bug spray the day before, realizing the havoc they would create ahead of time. The girl was prepared. She had storage scrolls full of it at this point. This was one instance in which Shino could not blame her... he had bought some himself in preparation, and made sure his hive was well immune to its effects. Preparedness wins a war, after all.

He stepped outside, cans of spray in hand as vital as kunai on a day like this, and greeted the seething mass of red and black spiders littering the lawn outside his home. He made Chiyako-chan promise to stay inside. She wouldn't want to see this, and most likely had no clue as to her big brother's nefarious intentions towards her pet's offspring. He made certain her pet was safely in his cage, with his new girlfriend, safe and sound, before making any 'appropriate' actions against the 'invaders' outside.

He fit the mask over his face, to allow himself to breathe easily, and then shook the cans.

 _('hissssss')_

The venom in their hissing was almost a bitter taste on the wind. He couldn't know that the spiders had decided his family was the one and only one to stay protected from their feeding frenzy. He did find it suspect that every single one of his insects were still alive though.

But they knew, this truce was about to end. The spiders... they could _read_ the rattling cans in his hand. How they learned such a thing so fast was beyond him, and he didn't want to waste the time researching it. In the time it could take to learn to understand these spiders, they would probably learn to understand him. And that would be bad. Why? _Because you do not educate your enemy, that is why._ Spiders that eat his kikaichu was not the kind of thing to allow to continue unchecked.

Spiders that can read bug spray cans, and actively aim to disarm him by shooting chakra enhanced unbreakable webs at him, really needed to be dealt with, pronto.

Releasing his pent up aggression on the spiders spread out on the lawn, he emptied the entirety of the cans into the seething mass of red. Most of them simply vanished upon contact.

This was most... intriguing.

They almost vanished as if they were... shadow clones?

Shadow clone spiders? Really? Shino couldn't quite understand it. Why? Because where would newly hatched spiderlings even learn such a thing? Reading is one thing... jutsus another entirely. Had they somehow observed a jounin performing the jutsu and copied it?

Spiders can't produce hand signs. This was... well, it was a perturbing event, to say the least.

(Standing in front of the memorial stone, clueless to the chaos that revolved around one of his students, Kakashi Hatake sneezed. His clone that he had sent to the Pink bookstore to look for new releases of Icha Icha vanished in a puff of smoke, as the clone discovered there were no new books out today. The spider that had fallen upon its dispersal, which had been riding on its shoulder, slipped away into the darkness under a book shelf.)

The Aburame had moved out to counter their aggressive attacks. This was the emptiest Shino had seen the Aburame compound in years. Every clan in Konoha was helping to take out the invading arachnids. Konoha was in a state of mild panic, full of shrill screeches from adults and children alike, civilians and ninjas included, being frightened in the streets by tiny, fuzzy little spiderlings and full grown gargantuan spiders that were quickly becoming much larger than their original progenitors.

Much, much larger. They shed their molting along the streets, and skittered left and right, investigating every crevice. Eating everything in sight. Fruits, birds, mice, biting humans that got too close. Spiders were digging holes in the streets, making nests and building webs. The biggest one Shino spotted was the size of Akamaru already.

How was this happening? Was it the chakra they had ingested? Why?

They were building thick, heavy, chakra infused webs that no one could cut. (Until the Hyugas decided to try. Shikako even had to get out her fancy glowing sword he'd heard her lovingly call her 'lightsaber' to cut a path through the street at one point.) Shino had made his way to where Shikako was steadily working her way through the blockage, bringing her brother unenthusiastically with her.

Hinata had met up with Shino not long after he took to the streets, helping him to clear a path so he could get to the thickest, hardest to reach nests behind walls of webbing. They didn't even need to discuss strategy, they just jumped right into it, working in tandem.

They built all sorts of webs, of all sizes. Webs with words in them. This was most disturbing, and indicated a level of intelligence that these creatures should not have possessed.

The spiders were leaving words for the humans, for each other, for the summons, for anyone who would read them.

They were writing in their webs;

 _'Our h_ _ **ome**_ _. Go a_ _ **wa**_ _y.'_

 _'They s_ _ **crea**_ _m if you tickle_ _ **th**_ _eir fee_ _ **t**_ _s!'_

 _'I_ _ **t'**_ _s true, t_ _ **ry**_ _it!'_

 _'Minee scree_ _ **a**_ _meed just looo_ _ **k**_ _ing at mee.'_

 _'My ter_ _ **it**_ _ory, my bi_ _ **r**_ _ds.'_

 _'Give back s_ _ **sh**_ _iny. Lasst_ _ **w**_ _arning.'_

 _'M_ _ **is**_ _ster Cranbe_ _ **rr**_ _y Wass_ _ **Her**_ _e. He left m_ _ **es**_ _ssage: They_ _ **ha**_ _ve nam_ _ **es**_ _s.'_

 _'Mess_ _ **s**_ _ag not under_ _ **s**_ _stod.'_

 _'I undderssttand '_ _ **they**_ _' arre eddibblle!'_

 _'T_ _ **h**_ _ey_ _ **a**_ _tt_ _ **ac**_ _k us,_ _ **e**_ _at th_ _ **em**_ _!'_

Ok, so some of the couldn't spell properly, but clearly it was the thought that counted. And spiders understood the concept of names, alongside mischief. And reasoning. And war.

Intelligence was clearly evident in their every move.

When Shikako saw all the writing in the webs, she burst into laughter, then fell into tears, and made a joke about Tonton or just pigs, for some weird reason. No one near her could quite make sense out of it. Hinata shook her head, just as confused as Shino. What was a ' _Charlotte_?' They didn't know. They couldn't understand her, especially not her brother, who was being dragged along behind her like a rag doll as she led them through the village, from one spider web and hole to another, stepping back and out of Shino's way as she handed him fresh containers of insecticide to douse them with, and marveling at the constructs the spiders had created out of chakra webs.

One inspired, enterprising spider even tried to reproduce one of Shikako's seals in his web, and tried to store his dead insects in it, presumably for consuming them later. He rolled them into a webbed ball, then shoved them into the middle of the seal. Then he rubbed his little pedipalps together and tapped the seal with his chakra. It didn't have the intended effect. The web collapsed on itself and the spider vanished into nothingness, dangling pieces of web left in the void's wake. There was a black sphere of chakra visible for a moment, then it too shifted into darkness and collapsed on itself to disappear from sight. The spider seemed to have accidentally sent itself into storage, as it was standing on the seal it had activated, then the web was taken into it as well... essentially the seal ate itself and everything it was touching, including the one activating it.

"Nice try, unsupervised spider-seal-master-in-training. Close, but _no_ _cigar_." Shikako said with a grin, tossing another can of spray in Shino's direction and just trusting that he could catch it and not get brained in the process. (And that he was actually looking her way. Hinata ended up catching it for him, as he was examining a web message at the time.) She dragged Shikamaru, listless at this point, towards the Hokage tower.

They fought their way through hallways, bearing unmistakable signs of spider intrusion.

 _'Hat_ _ **pe**_ _rson this wa_ _ **y,**_ _go! Go!'_

 _'Hat i_ _ **s**_ _power!_ _ **Hat**_ _is control!'_

 _'Time to_ _ **rul**_ _e the h_ _ **um**_ _an world!'_

Aggressive, and dangerous, perhaps.

Shikako squinted at the scribbled writing in the webs, making sense of upside down kanji, "Yeah, this could only mean one thing. And it could explain so much. I thought Hokage-sama said that a little spider stole her hat one day!"

Shikamaru yawned, "That was the day the idiot missions desk chunin got booted out the window by Hokage-sama, right? The one that's always starting rumors about your missions being bad luck?"

"Yep! He was the one that kept hiring a priest from the fire temple with the mission room's petty cash to purify the room after my team turned in our completed mission scrolls.*" Shikako said, cheerfully recalling the event. He'd lived, so no harm done... presumably.

"Yes. I suppose we know why now, with this clear evidence." Shino nodded. He didn't elaborate on what he was referring to.

Hinata cut her way through another curtain of webs, marveling at just how many and how thick they were.

Entering the hallway outside the Hokage's office, they were met with an even more disturbing sight.

"Iruka-sensei!" Shikamaru called.

"He's... enveloped in web... oh no!" Hinata gasped.

Shikako leveled her sword and hacked through a web wall, " _Shit_ , we have to help him."

"Mmm... Mmmm... Hhmmmffffff _pppppptt_!" came his muffled reply as he wiggled impotently in place, arms trapped to his sides. His mouth was covered with spider webs. In fact, he was trussed up head to toe, only a few parts of his body visible, like his nose with the scar over it being the most easily identifiable portion of him they could see. At least he could breathe.

 _('Hisss... hat taker. Plan breaker... hisssss!')_

"Do you hear a hissing?" Shikako asked, as she carefully slid the glowing lightsaber between the thick strands of webbing holding Iruka-sensei hostage.

"Y-yes." Hinata confirmed, using her byakugan to spot the source of the noise. It was a three foot tall spider sitting torpid at the end of the hall behind several curtains of webs. Clearly this one was responsible for the majority of the webbing, as it still had a large string of it being produced behind it. It seemed content to sit and watch. "I don't think it's an immediate threat."

"Good, help me get him down!" Shikako said. Shikamaru reached his arms around to support Iruka as Shikako freed him from the last of the webbing encasing him.

Gasping, and pulling free of the web cloth around him, Iruka said, "I thought I'd never get out of there! What a nightmare."

"You should see the rest of the village." Shikamaru said with narrowed eyes. "This day is just getting better and better, isn't it?"

Iruka-sensei looked up, a worried frown creasing his brow, "Is Hokage-sama ok? She was in her office when this started." He peeled webbing strands off of his chunin vest and wiped the sticky residue away.

Hinata looked into the Hokage's office and, with shaking hands, sliced her way through the last web curtain keeping them from entering. "We... we need to get in there now." She told them, not elaborating. They would see it for themselves, shortly.

Sharing a glance, they followed the dark haired girl as she carefully entered the room, slicing away at knee high half-walls of chakra infused webbing as she led them inside.

"No. Just. No. I refuse to believe that this isn't an elaborate genjutsu. No. I walk into my office and this is what I see? Ridiculous. And you're involved? You're always involved. Of course you are." Tsunade was sitting on her couch, waving a bottle of alcohol before her, watching the rest of her office with tired eyes and half talking at them as they entered. If Shino's kikaichu's messages were accurate, the woman hadn't slept all night, and had been out drinking. She looked a bit lost on whether to drink it or put it down, at this point. There were elaborate webs, interspersed with various seals and random words on them spread out across her desk, connecting each wall to the other. In the middle of it all sat a giant fuzzy human-sized spider, right on top of her desk, his long appendages draped over the sides of the desk to almost daintily rest on the floor, with his wide belly across the entire top of the wide desk. It was making clicking noises, gesturing, with none other than the Hokage's hat perched on it's many-eyed head. It waved it's legs at them as if in greeting, aping a human's wave.

"Hiss, what can I do for you, huuumaaaannnssss? I am Hokage." Its words came out garbled, but barely understandable as something they could actually hear through the hissing. Tsunade blinked, sighed, and ran a hand through her bangs. That was exactly what the thing had said to her when she first entered the room, and it didn't take in a word she had said to it, merely restating over and over that "Spiders will rule now," and "I am Hokage, hello, human." with various high pitched whistles and deep hissing sounds interspersed between words. It couldn't be negotiated with, and she stared at her drink, wondering why she had even tried. This was the last time she left that hat on her desk, unattended.

Iruka pulled out a kunai and several shuriken, ready to throw.

Hinata gasped upon hearing the spider speak, then looked at the spider in surprise, and assumed a defensive stance in front of the others, putting herself between the usurping spider and the entire group, her Hokage included. This effectively blocked Iruka's shot, but he stayed ready to throw as an option.

Shino actually started to giggle aloud at the absurdity of it all. (It was finally getting to him.) Seeing their friend was cracking up, Shikamaru sighed and fell to sit on the floor.

Shikako handed Shino the biggest, baddest can of spray she had purchased so far, holding her lightsaber out in front of her in warning. He shook it, or he himself shook and it got shaken by proxy. Either way, he was ready to use it.

Shikamaru, staring at the spider, let his shadow lazily stretch across the room to do the work for them, unnoticed.

"Just... no." Tsunade spun on her heels, left the room, and called out behind her, "This is a D-rank mission for all of you here, I don't care if you want to accept it or not, you're doing it. Every last bit of it, CLEAN THIS SHIT UP. Get that... thing... out of my office. NOW!" The crashing of the mostly still full bottle against the wall was all the emphasis and encouragement the group needed to get right on that.

"Whoever is really responsible for this will be doing D-ranks for life." they heard her mutter as she vanished down the hallway, footsteps cracking the floor in her wake. As she rounded the corner, the three foot tall spider that they had seen out there earlier immediately stepped in her way. It became a smear on the hard wood, when her foot impacted its abdomen, cracking the thick exoskeleton like egg shells. "AND MOP THIS UP!"

.

.

...

Sitting on her bed, while petting Mister Cranberry and informing Miss Strawberry about just how _beautiful_ she was since her last molting, little Chiyako suddenly sneezed.

.

.

...

" _Hisss, you were protected!"_ The spider's giant glassy eyes fogged up with undefined spider emotions. It hopped off of the Hokage's desk and slowly stepped forward, hissing in agitation. It filled the room before them, when all of its legs were spread wide around it.

"No, thank you very much." Shikako hurriedly stated, avoiding a projectile weapon the spider somehow hurled in her direction with one of its pedipalps. Everyone had to dodge when it threw them in rapid succession. (And... where was it getting them from anyway?) Hinata managed to block most of them. It was gripping the metal with chakra.

"The Masster willed it. We did obeey. You turned on uss!" He shot a thick web towards Shikako, but it was deflected by Hinata's quick strike. His motion made the hat spin on his head, until most of his eyes couldn't see what was going on around him. He hissed in anger, his legs kicking out at random.

"Yeah, we don't really care." Shikamaru yawned again as his shadow caught the spider, wrapping firmly around all the legs and immobilizing it. "Heh. Got it." The Hokage's hat fluttered to the floor, and Iruka quickly picked it up, seeing that the spider could no longer move. It hissed and spat at him in frustration.

Smirking, Shikako maneuvered a paper under where the spider stood. Shino shook the can some more, spraying it in the spider's giant face to immobilize it when it tried to reach out and bite Shikako.

She activated the seal on the paper- and the spider, including the webs that were currently touching it, vanished.

"Did you just store the giant spider in a seal?" Iruka asked, eyes wide.

"Yep."

"Ah. That's one way to do it."

"Heh. Now we have to clean this." Shino observed, righting his sunglasses on his nose, and sounding a bit more like himself. He looked around the disheveled room with the tatters of thick, sticky chakra-infused webbing and breathed out slowly.

"Well, this bout of insanity has been fun. I'm out." Shikamaru vanished in a swirl of leaves.

"YOU! GET _BACK_ HERE!" Shikako shouted to the ceiling. " _I KNOW WHERE YOU_ _ **SLEEP**_ _!"_

Shino giggled once more, and Hinata helped him to sit on the couch. He may be in need of a few days to recover.

.

.

...

For the next few days, the Akimichi clan made quite a bit of money off of selling deep fried, battered, and chocolate covered spider treats to various customers. Especially after it was discovered that eating them gave one a boost of chakra similar to a soldier pill, but without the nasty side effects. But the taste? Yeah. Might not want to mention that part...

.

.

...

 _ **Author's Note:**_ *Couldn't resist adding the _Missions Desk Idiot_ in as the one that got kicked out the window, just for flavor. I like to tie the forum posts together for fun. And, holy cowbell, _how did I write this in one sitting?_

m(+,,+)m m(*,,*)m

n(;;)n n(;;)n n(;;)n


	6. Chapter 6

Asuma frowned, "I'm out of money."

Chouji stopped eating.

He actually stopped eating and looked slowly up at his Sensei across the table from him, meat half way to his lips.

"You... must be kidding!" Ino said, her voice raising into a shriek when she noticed Asuma-Sensei's empty wallet.

"Guess it's dish washing for you three." Asuma smirked, "No worse than a D-rank, I guess."

Before anyone else could look up, Shikamaru was suddenly gone. In what had been his seat, left behind facing his empty plate and glass, was a stuffed Kakashi doll that Naruto had loaned him as a target dummy.

"Whoah, who'd have thought that could get him motivated?" Ino gasped.

Chouji continued eating, deciding it didn't matter.

"Sheesh." Asuma sighed, biting his cigarette.

Shikamaru was quite glad that that morning, his sister had insisted on a game of replacement tag with him. He was getting quite good at it.

.

* * *

.

Mr. Cranberry needed... this human thing... they use...

 _(Hiss)_

Money.

Yes.

Where could he get it from? He watched the humans... they kept it in their pockets. Inside safe compartments... wallets...

 _(Hiss)_

(Scuffle, scramble, climb, _climb, climb_ , success!)

Having acquired a bit of money from the pocket of a smokey smelly human, the spider proceeded to where he needed to be.

Yes...

' _Money, for trading. For gift. Yes.'_

The spider crawled up the side of the stand at the market place. He deposited the money on the table, where the human manning the stall would certainly see it.

He took the hair pin and proceeded to wander back home with it on his back. A hairpin, shaped like a spider. Yes.

A gift for master...

Master would like it!

Smelly man wouldn't care. He gets lots of this human... money. Right!

 _(Hiss!)_

"Oh, wow, this is so pretty!"

Master wears it in her hair.

 _(Happy Hiss!)_

nm~,,~mn


	7. Chapter 7 Loopy Spider Side Story

**Author's Note:** This chapter started on the DOS forums. The idea is what if the Konoha cast was going back in time like groundhog day, looping over and over? What if Mr. Cranberry started looping too? Thus this crack ensued. Just like the loops this isn't really going anywhere, but still deserves to be published with the Misadventures. It's like an alternative what-if scenario, based off of several other alternative what-if scenarios that stand on their own (repeatedly, if need be.)

The conversation that spawned it goes as follows, just for an explanation:

Everyone's been talking about the Konoha 12 looping back in time- waking up one morning to discover time has turned back and things have started over. That is, everyone except for Shikako. They've been repeating things that happen from the moment they graduated until an unfortunate demise made them all loop again. Everyone except for those who are not looping always remember the loops they were mentally present for. They've devised ways to determine who is sharing loops, and who is not present at this rollover. They found a way to figure each other out at the start of the loop, with enough time to assess the situation so they can move forward as a group from day one. Usually, Shikako doesn't make it out of any of those loops alive. Also, she's never revealed her Future Knowledge as an SI status.

Then, this happened:

 **guisniperman:** _Did anyone ever do a Looping Mister Cranberry? I'd imagine their reaction wondering why is that Spider looping but not Shikako._

And that was followed by:

 **MisteriosaSaky:** _Oh God! I'm SO loving the idea of Mr Cranberry looping! I NEED to see that! please!_

Which prompted my brain to lead us to this:

Assign blame where appropriate! (J/k!) :D

.

* * *

.

 **The Loopy Spider**

"Master is wide." came a hissing sound.

She stared at her paper, trying to figure out what the answer to the question on her homework paper was. She couldn't remember one of the names of the founders of the village... she knew the first hokage was Hashirama Senju, so she'd written his name. But the other... and he was an Uchiha... right?

It started with an 'M' she was certain. Ooh, these homework questions were always easier when she did them earlier in the day! She was too tired. She'd stayed out playing with her friends at the park for too long. Her big brother had warned her about getting her assignment done instead. She should have listened. He was going to bring her dinner while she worked on her paper.

"Wide. Master." came a small sound. It was in front of her, to the right. She was alone in her bedroom.

"What?" She asked, confused on where the voice came from. She looked around, but only her pet spider was present.

"Massster. Issss. Wiiiiiiide." the creature's tiny pedipalps jumped up and down as it stared at her with dark eyes that glittered in the light.

"Wide?" Chiyako asked, glancing down. She could have sworn her pet spider, Mister Cranberry, had actually said something aloud! And... had... very rudely... insulted her? "What do you mean I'm wide? You think I'm getting fat?" She pouted. The spider's striped legs lifted, waved, and he wobbled up and down on the table before her.

"Wiiiide. Wi... Wi... no. Sisissiisssii. Wise. Masster is wise." he said in a hiss, his voice tiny but still able to be heard. Chiyako sniffed, stared down at her adorable little Cranberry, and picked him up in the palm of her hand. He tapped against her fingers with his hairy legs. "Wise. Words hard."

"You're talking!" her exclamation of glee made the spider back up on her palm, as her face was very close. And loud.

"Hisss yess. I am very loo-py. Very loo-py. Many times loop. Hoop. Go-round. Time." she laughed at his strange mangling of words. He continued, pointing to the paper with one leg intently, "Maadaarrraa. Uch-shhh-iiiha."

"Oh! That's right!" she set him down and then wrote out the answer, her homework finally complete. Shino would be impressed!

"Woorld ender." he said. She paused in her writing when she heard this, then stared at the spider intently. "Makesss woorld stap. Deeathhh. Illusssionss. Sooon."

Neither occupant of the room realized a very startled and surprised Shino was standing outside the door, overhearing every hissed word. He quickly sent a message via his insects to Lee, so that he could spread the word to a few select loopers during his regular exercise 'run of youth!' as soon as possible.

.

* * *

.

 _Team 8's reaction to the looping spider:_

.

"The spider is intelligent. I heard him speaking to my sister last night. He is also in the loop. We must devise a way to determine when he returns as we do."

"How is that possible?" a practiced, timid sounding voice responds. "Even Shikako hasn't been looping. Why a spider?"

"Nothing makes sense anymore. It's official, this world is crazy."

"Kiba, there is no rational explanation for this. Therefore, I believe the looping is chaotic in nature. That being said-"

"I have rational for you! That spider remembers everything we do. How many times has it gone round the time reversal, only to learn to actually talk?"

"Well... Even Akamaru hasn't..."

"Hinata! How could you!? Akamaru talks just fine! Don't you, boy?"

"WOOF!"

"I rest my case."

.

* * *

.

 _Team 10:_

.

"So, wait, you mean that nightmare I had that one time we ended up overrun with spiders was actually real? They were really talking?" the blonde girl shuddered as she ate her dango.

"Apparently so, Ino." Shikamaru had his hands behind his head, leaned back in his chair as they waited for their sensei to show up.

"They tasted good, though." Chouji said, halfway through his plate of dango.

Ino dropped hers on the table in disgust, "Trust you to think of that!"

.

* * *

.

 _Team 3:_

.

"And so-" THWACK "The Spider-" THWACK, THWACK! "Talks now!" THWACK, THWACK, THWACK! "Isn't that grand?" CRACK! "How youthful!"

Neji dropped his water bottle and stared at the green-clad boy punching the training log in front of him, convinced the looping had finally degraded what was left of his mind. Tenten's mouth was gaping, a bit of her water dribbling down her chin.

.

* * *

.

 _(Please note, sometimes the headcanon is that no one in Team 7 is present for the looping. But Shikako herself is NEVER a looper. For this instance, Team 7 is looping but not Shikako.)_

 _Team 7's reaction to the looping spider:_

.

"Hey, Shikako..."

"Yeah, Sasuke?"

"Did you know Shino has a sister?" the boy asked, prodding at a piece of bamboo in his ramen.

"Huh? Nope." she said, blowing on her broth to cool it.

"Neither did I."

"Apparently she owns a talking spider." Naruto helpfully added between overly large bites of his ramen. His teammates turned as one to stare at the side of his head.

The staring continued for quite a while, but Naruto was oblivious for the unvoiced request for clarification.

"Ok... moving on." Sasuke said. Silence ensued.

.

* * *

.

 **The spider is still loopy**

It was a most unusual meeting. There was a lectern, provided by Tenten ("What? You never know when you need one to stand behind! Sometimes motivational speeches require more than sweat and enthusiasm!") and the tiny red striped spider sat atop it, waving a fuzzy little leg amicably. "Humanss." it hissed. The loopers were situated on the grass, before the lectern, watching the spider as if it were giving a speech. Naruto, Sasuke, and Hinata were in the front row, followed by Kiba, Shino, and Shikamaru. Ino and the others were situated behind them.

"That. Is. Creepy." Ino whispered. There were a few nods and whispers of assent.

"Can I eat him if he turns evil like the others?" Chouji asked skeptically. Ino nodded her approval. No one else said anything.

"I hearss thhat." he hissed back, somewhat amused and both angrily.

"Uh, sorry?" she apologized.

"Accsseptable." the spider lowered his legs and then raised them again, as if it were his version of a bow. "Ssoo. Plan to stap moon. Evil. Ideasss?"

"Are we really in an assembly, in the middle of the training grounds, with a little girl's pet spider leading a strategy meeting?" Sasuke asked.

"We need to know how many times you have looped, Mister Cranberry!" Hinata asked him, ignoring the glowering Uchiha next to her.

"I hasss. Many." he raised all but four of his legs, "Thiss many."

"Oh." she said. They assumed he had to have looped more times than that, to have learned human speech.

"Times." he continued.

"Four times, then?" Shino asked, nodding his head. Arachnids, like insects, could be intelligent too. He wondered how many of his insects were looping with him.

The spider made some frantic motions, but still waved those four limbs, "No. This many times one hu- one hund- one many."

Everyone stared. He wasn't saying...?

"Four hundred times?" Kiba barked, "Where were we, then?"

The spider gave him the equivalent of a shrug, and skittered down the front of the lectern. "Alwaysss same. This thirteenth time I tell you today, but sstill best ressuult. Not belieeve. Moove on."

"No, it isn't." Neji denied. He had never seen a spider talk in his life, regardless of what Ino claimed was a monster movie outtake loop one time. He didn't participate in that one.

"Yess. Iss. Now, plan. Stop Aloe Vera." the spider insisted, approaching them on the grass.

"What?" Naruto asked, confused, as the spider walked up to him.

"You knowss! Hiss! Aloe Vera man!" the spider hissed, pointing at Naruto. "The daark one."

"You mean, Zetsu?" Shikamaru queried.

"Ssmart human. Almost ssmart as Masster." the little spider walked up to Shikamaru and patted his knee. They could swear the little arachnid's eyes were sparkling. It must have been an illusion of some sort. Shikamaru was not amused.

.

* * *

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 **Author's Note** : Ok, I'm all cracked out at the moment I have no idea where this would go, even. XD

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This is mostly copy-pasted from the forum for inclusion in Misadventures with a few minor edits.

I did have some more written for the next chapter but it's still not finished, since I have a lot more on my plate lately, and things have been... happening, sorry. I'll usually mention on my profile page which thing I'm working on first. Updates are slow, but one more actual chapter is planned out, continuing from where _Chapter 6_ left off.


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